Ambrosies for everybody!

A Matter of Method

A PHILOSOPHER seeing a Fool beating his Donkey, said:

"Abstain, my son, abstain, I implore. Those who resort to violence
shall suffer from violence."

"That," said the Fool, diligently belabouring the animal, "is what
I'm trying to teach this beast - which has kicked me."

"Doubtless," said the Philosopher to himself, as he walked away,
"the wisdom of fools is no deeper nor truer than ours, but they
really do seem to have a more impressive way of imparting it."

The Conscientious Official

WHILE a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely
to his business of placing obstructions on the track and tampering
with the switches he received word that the President of the road
was about to discharge him for incompetency.

"Good Heavens!" he cried; "there are more accidents on my division
than on all the rest of the line."

"The President is very particular," said the Man who brought him
the news; "he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with
less damage to the company's property."

"Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows?"
exclaimed the indignant official, spiking a loose tie across the
rails. "Does he take me for an assassin?"

The Kangaroo and the Zebra

A KANGAROO hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed
in her pouch met a Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention
upon himself, said:

"Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the
penitentiary."

"Appearances are deceitful," replied the Zebra, smiling in the
consciousness of a more insupportable wit, "or I should have to
think that you had come out of the Legislature."

A Causeway

A RICH Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of
Knee-deep Street, and was about to walk to her hotel through the
mud.

"Madam," said a Policeman, "I cannot permit you to do that; you
would soil your shoes and stockings."

"Oh, that is of no importance, really," replied the Rich Woman,
with a cheerful smile.

"But, madam, it is needless; from the wharf to the hotel, as you
observe, extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who
crave the honour of having you walk upon them."

"In that case," she said, seating herself in a doorway and unlocking her satchel, "I shall have to put on my rubber boots."

Alarm and Pride

"GOOD-MORNING, my friend," said Alarm to Pride; "how are you this
morning?"

"Very tired," replied Pride, seating himself on a stone by the
wayside and mopping his steaming brow. "The politicians are
wearing me out by pointing to their dirty records with ME, when
they could as well use a stick."

Alarm sighed sympathetically, and said:
"It is pretty much the same way here. Instead of using an opera-
glass they view the acts of their opponents with ME!"

As these patient drudges were mingling their tears, they were
notified that they must go on duty again, for one of the political
parties had nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification
meeting.

The Witch's Steed

A BROOMSTICK which had long served a witch as a steed complained of
the nature of its employment, which it thought degrading.

"Very well," said the Witch, "I will give you work in which you
will be associated with intellect - you will come in contact with brains. I shall present you to a housewife."

"What!" said the Broomstick, "do you consider the hands of a
housewife intellectual?"

"I referred," said the Witch, "to the head of her good man."

Ambrose Bierce, Fantastic Fables

The Discontented Malefactor

A JUDGE having sentenced a Malefactor to the penitentiary was proceeding to point out to him the disadvantages of crime and the profit of reformation.

"Your Honour," said the Malefactor, interrupting, "would you be kind enough to alter my punishment to ten years in the penitentiary and nothing else?"

"Why," said the Judge, surprised, "I have given you only three years!"

"Yes, I know," assented the Malefactor - "three years' imprisonment and the preaching. If you please, I should like to commute the preaching."

Ambrose Bierce, Fantastic Fables.

(Yeah... A good piece of advice for us conscientous
parents)